Rarely are injuries a laughing matter. Usually when a player is hurt, teammates rush to the side of their fallen teammate, looking to offer condolences and help them off the field. However, some injuries are just too ridiculous to not laugh at. Last week, Baltimore Ravens wide receiver Jacoby Jones suffered a mild concussion after being hit in the back of the head by a flying champagne bottle thrown by a stripper on a moving bus. When people say the truth is stranger than fiction, they are referring to moments like this one. The mental lapses of these talented athletes perplexes even the most gifted minds. Not all of their injuries come from such rare circumstances, but all are equally ridiculous:
Background: Eaton is currently an outfielder for the Arizona Diamondbacks after being drafted in the 19th round out of Miami University. Eaton batted .254 his first two years in Arizona, knocking in 27 runs and hitting five home runs. He played in 66 games last year.
The Incident: Everyone knows how frustrating it is when a DVD case won’t open, but most of the rational populus don’t turn to such drastic measures as Eaton did. In a completely unforeseeable accident, Eaton stabbed himself while attempting to open a DVD case with a steak knife. Eaton missed a start and was diagnosed with what doctors called “stupidity.”
Our Advice: Try Netflix: it’s non contact.
Background: Gobble pitched for the Kansas City Royals and the Chicago White Sox in the MLB from 2003 to 2009. Gobble was a mediocre player who had a career earned run average (ERA) of 5.29. Despite his poor performance, he did entertain fans with one of the all time stupidest injuries.
The Incident: While playing a casual round golf, Gobble became frustrated with his lackluster performance and decided to take it out on the nearest plant. Who cares if the plant was a spiky cactus? Why does it matter if Gobble wasn’t wearing shoes? Whether out of pure stupidity or shame, Gobble proceeded to play through the “three-quarters inch” thorn stuck in his foot.
Our Advice: We thought this was pretty obvious, but don’t kick a cactus. Especially when barefoot.
Background: Hill is a designated hitter with a career batting average of .271 and 186 home runs. He played for a plethora of teams in the MLB and was known as “The Juggler” for his tendency to drop balls on the rare occasions that he played in the field.
The Incident: Possibly the weirdest injury of all time, Hill attempted to run away from a spider in his dream, fell off the couch and plummeted through a glass table, severely lacerating his elbows and toes. Understandably, Hill was diagnosed with a severe case of arachnophobia and earned a new nickname from his teammates: Spiderman.
Our Advice: We thought this was pretty obvious, but don’t kick a cactus. If you are scared of something, just try to imagine it in it’s underpants. Wait, that just makes it more creepy.
Background: Craig pitched in Major League Baseball from 1955-1966, starting his career with the Brooklyn Dodgers and finishing it with the Philadelphia Phillies. He managed multiple seasons, and finished his career as a manager with an overall record of 738 wins and 737 losses.
The Incident: A lifetime batter of .146, Craig was tired of trying to go around bases in baseball, so he tried with his wife. While attempting to remove his wife’s bra, he sliced open his hand, suffering severe lacerations during his managerial tenure with the Giants. Clearly, some men aren’t meant to hit home runs either in baseball or in bed.
Our Advice: If your wife has spiky metal objects sticking out the back of her bra, she probably doesn’t want you taking it off.
Background: Rivera is the all-time saves leader in the MLB and a future hall of famer. With a lifetime ERA of 2.21, Rivera retired this year as one of the greatest pitchers in the history of baseball.
The Incident: Even the great ones get injured, and Rivera is no exception. Rivera injured his back while he attempted to tie his shoes. The irony of this injury is that people generally tie their shoes to prevent tripping. In Rivera’s case, his downfall was the decision to tie. To tie or not to tie? That is the question.
Our Advice: Velcro. It’s childish, but the light-up shoes are pretty cool.