SATURDAY, APRIL 21ST, 2018

In the spirit of full disclosure, this interview was conducted in full nudity in the Shvitz at the JCC.

The Campanile: Ok Mac, let’s dive right in to this. Everyone is dying to know about your past loves.

Mac Mansfield: Well, I love love first of all. My heart goes out to all the women I have devastated. You see, I am 3-0 with breakups.

TC: What about that fourth relationship?

MM: Sharissa Jalapeno, how do I put this softly? She broke my heart. She had the indecency of meeting me in public and stepping on my heart in front of hundreds of people.

TC: So you lost that one?

MM: I’ll have you know when I met up with her I was planning on breaking up with her.

TC: So it is more like 3-0-1.

MM: Exactly.

TC: Let’s switch over to the other gender here. What can you tell me about your relationship with Griffin Carlson?

MM: Well I didn’t really have a choice, he chose me.

Griffin Carlson: Are you saying you’re submissive to my will?

*Griffin straddles Mac*

TC: Comments on the JCC Shvitz?

MM: I often cut freshmen history to cleanse my body here.

TC: Why are you in freshman history?

MM: Well, I was expelled freshmen year and I have to take this class if I want to graduate … which I do.

TC: Why were you expelled?

MM: Next question.

TC: Why weren’t you at school Monday?

MM: I went MIA in the wilderness.

TC: Any drama with your ex-lovers?

MM: I cried all night, but other than my slayed dreams, nothing transpired.

TC: What is your opinion on the famed Dulik?

MM: Let’s just say if coach didn’t hold me back, there would’ve been two hits, one being my fist and the second being Dulik falling to his knees.

TC: Favorite music and why.

MM: Hip hop because it really represents me and my struggles well and electronic music because I like to get weird.

TC: How weird?

MM: What kind of audience does this publication have?

TC: We’ll just stick with “super weird.”

MM: Word slime.

TC: Define slime and your other slang.

MM: Slime — what you’d call a fellow guy that’s just living life. Moss — to chill out like moss on a rock. Buh — essentially the same as slime.

TC: Plans for next year?

MM: I will be heading back to the homeland at McGill.

TC: On a scale of maple syrup to hockey, how much did the option of nuru massages influence your collegiate decision.

MM: Hockey.

TC: I noticed you adjust your hair a lot.

MM: Yeah my dad called me a p***y for that.

TC: You are wearing a headband.

MM: I am, what about it?

TC: It must take a lot of elastic to tame that flow.

MM: Yeah so far only Lululemon headbands have been able to withstand the pressures of this mane.

TC: In conclusion?

MM: I love you Sharissa.

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