In the spirit of full disclosure, this interview was conducted in full nudity in the Shvitz at the JCC.
The Campanile: Ok Mac, let’s dive right in to this. Everyone is dying to know about your past loves.
Mac Mansfield: Well, I love love first of all. My heart goes out to all the women I have devastated. You see, I am 3-0 with breakups.
TC: What about that fourth relationship?
MM: Sharissa Jalapeno, how do I put this softly? She broke my heart. She had the indecency of meeting me in public and stepping on my heart in front of hundreds of people.
TC: So you lost that one?
MM: I’ll have you know when I met up with her I was planning on breaking up with her.
TC: So it is more like 3-0-1.
TC: Let’s switch over to the other gender here. What can you tell me about your relationship with Griffin Carlson?
MM: Well I didn’t really have a choice, he chose me.
Griffin Carlson: Are you saying you’re submissive to my will?
*Griffin straddles Mac*
TC: Comments on the JCC Shvitz?
MM: I often cut freshmen history to cleanse my body here.
TC: Why are you in freshman history?
MM: Well, I was expelled freshmen year and I have to take this class if I want to graduate … which I do.
TC: Why were you expelled?
MM: Next question.
TC: Why weren’t you at school Monday?
MM: I went MIA in the wilderness.
TC: Any drama with your ex-lovers?
MM: I cried all night, but other than my slayed dreams, nothing transpired.
TC: What is your opinion on the famed Dulik?
MM: Let’s just say if coach didn’t hold me back, there would’ve been two hits, one being my fist and the second being Dulik falling to his knees.
TC: Favorite music and why.
MM: Hip hop because it really represents me and my struggles well and electronic music because I like to get weird.
TC: How weird?
MM: What kind of audience does this publication have?
TC: We’ll just stick with “super weird.”
MM: Word slime.
TC: Define slime and your other slang.
MM: Slime — what you’d call a fellow guy that’s just living life. Moss — to chill out like moss on a rock. Buh — essentially the same as slime.
TC: Plans for next year?
MM: I will be heading back to the homeland at McGill.
TC: On a scale of maple syrup to hockey, how much did the option of nuru massages influence your collegiate decision.
TC: I noticed you adjust your hair a lot.
MM: Yeah my dad called me a p***y for that.
TC: You are wearing a headband.
MM: I am, what about it?
TC: It must take a lot of elastic to tame that flow.
MM: Yeah so far only Lululemon headbands have been able to withstand the pressures of this mane.
TC: In conclusion?
MM: I love you Sharissa.