Gov. Gavin Newsom signed a slew of police reforms Sept. 30, over a year after George Floyd’s death.
The reforms involved laws changing the minimum age for officers from 18 to 21, prohibiting the carotid sleeper restraint and requiring California’s attorney general to conduct investigations into police shootings instead of local authorities.
Police unions and departments around the state opposed the reforms, protesting them both before and after Newsom signed them into law. Their protests, however, were drowned out by the mobs of protesters that now follow the governor around like obsessed fangirls hoping for a selfie.
At a recent rally, the Blue Lives Matter posters were covered by Stop Medical Tyranny and My Body My Choice posters, touted by men and women wearing Defund Planned Parenthood hats and camouflage bandanas.
A representative for the Palo Alto Police Department spoke out on the issue of the reforms as well.
Anxiously clutching his look-alike Eagle Scout vest, resplendent with iron-on pictorial badges ranging from cracked eggs to bikers without helmets, the officer said the new laws will make it much harder for PAPD to keep the dangerous and seedy streets of Palo Alto safe.
“The miscreant children who wreak havoc in our neighborhoods by speeding off to school on their scooters and bicycles need to be brought under control,” the representative said.
At the signing ceremony, Newsom prolonged his time in the spotlight by spouting obscure anecdotes only slightly related to the matter at hand.
“When it came to police reforms, we wanted to just rip the band-aid off,” Newsom said. “However, we took it slow, cringed and sometimes even stopped when it hurt too much, and decided to continue with the process at an agonizingly slow pace. By the time it was off, I had forgotten what I even needed the band-aid for, just like I’ve forgotten what I’m doing here.”
In other news, Congress had a big weekend preparing for Halloween. After holding up massive bills and inhibiting President Joe Biden’s Build Back Better Plan for weeks on end, Sen. Joe Manchin (D-West Virginia) decided to try to slip a last-minute bill about candy.
Manchin explained it through a small rant about children and happiness.
“I just don’t think those things should be allowed to run rampant and get free candy from anyone they want,” Manchin said. “There’s only one word for behavior like that: socialism.”
As evidence of the need for his bill, Manchin played a recording from his next-door neighbor.
“Joe often gets his holidays confused, and for the past five years he’s ruined Halloween for our neighborhood,” the neighbor said. “He cooks a turkey, then stands in his window in a Grinch costume and hands kids coal, cackling and rubbing his sooty hands on their adorable little costumes.”
The bill, much to the senator’s indignation, did not pass. This Halloween, he was spotted at Senator Lindsey Graham’s party, bobbing for apples with Senator Kyrsten Sinema from Arizona. Later, they could be found causing chaos by chucking Jenga blocks into the pool and gluing bowling pins to the ground.
For Manchin’s efforts in Congress over the past months, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell awarded the Best Employee of the Month. That award was later rescinded when the Democrats passed a $1 trillion infrastructure bill.
Another senator consistently disappointing not only his constituents but the entire country had a different experience with the spookiest night of the year. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) was uninvited from the party after insulting Senator Graham’s pets: Daisy the tarantula and Socks the naked mole rat.
Cruz decided to go trick-or-treating with his daughters. While they went as Disney princesses, Cruz went as himself and scared those around him witless.
When asked why his go-to costume was himself, Cruz answered that the only thing that got people more scared than him with a shaved face was him holding a little orange pumpkin bag and shouting, ‘BOO.’
Cruz’s former fave, Donald Trump, is trying to get into the Guinness Book of World Records for most lawsuits involving one person. Matching each case opened against him, this week Trump sued The New York Times for defamation after depositions began last week.
“Ivanka just finished reading an article about me from 2018 after Don Jr. ran into some words he couldn’t pronounce,” Trump said.
Trying to cut costs, Trump announced he will now be representing himself in court after receiving his law degree from Trump University. As the dean of both the undergraduate and graduate schools, Trump said he was able to expedite the learning process and condense the three years of learning usually required into three days.
Trump told Fox News he is prepared to sue his niece for $100 million as soon as he’s done with The New York Times.
“That dummy Rudy Giuliani has nothing on me,” Trump said. “In fact, I think I’m coming for him next.”