Our math tests are back, and I sneak a glance at everyone else’s papers, trying to gauge if I did well or not compared to everyone else. Judging, weighing, evaluating. He’s got at least five APs, but does he have better extracurriculars than me, though? What’s his SAT score? What sort of college will he go to? Will he go to a “better” college than me? These thoughts constantly crowd the back of my mind, consciously or not.
Comparison is present in nearly every aspect of our lives from the moment we enter the social world. As little children, we compare lunches, how many friends we have, whose art project looks better. As we grow up and grades and academics come into play, it’s a comparison of that, too. We use others to gauge how well we’re doing relative to the conglomerate soup. But in this game we play, we actually devalue ourselves by setting unrealistic expectations.
To win in this comparison game, we’d have to be the absolute best in every single category: wealth, appearance, intelligence, popularity, athletic ability — the list goes on. But how is meeting every criterion possible? It’s not. And when we compare ourselves to people who we perceive to have achieved “perfection,” we neglect the nuances and individuality that come with imperfection.
According to a 2014 National Institute of Health research report, human nature is inherently comparative, as “all judgments and evaluations are relative in nature and hence rely on comparisons.” For example, judging whether you’re tall or not requires comparison to others to determine that fact.
Comparison will always exist, but there are forms of comparison that we feed ourselves like a nasty infestation, with each offense worsening our mindset. At some point, we internalize lessons of comparison and make them personal.
My own mindset has changed since I began high school, because even when I’m enjoying some of the hobbies I cherish, some part of me thinks: “It’s not good enough.” But why isn’t doing what I love not “good enough?” This shift over the past few years is scary, and I don’t think it’s going away the moment I step out of school.
As we age, comparison no longer becomes a simple, lighthearted matter of seeing who’s taller. It’s wedged itself deep into not just my mind, but everyone’s minds, as we blossom into adulthood and lose the values of ourselves that we have in our lives.
Instead of thinking about why we enjoy the hobbies we love, comparison culture has pressured us to follow cookie-cutter formulas. At times, following a checkbox seems more important than following yourself — taking difficult classes you hate just for the sake of academic prestige. Or choosing to go to the gym and lift weights because it’s what everyone else is doing, versus enjoying exercise you actually love like hiking. Or perhaps choosing to work overtime because everyone else is and they’re going places in life. I have made some of these choices, and because of them, I’ve neglected myself.
In the end, comparison isn’t doing us any favors. Judging our own path based on how others walk shouldn’t affect us, and doing so only veers us off our own road. Unfortunately, there’s no simple solution to this problem. But there are steps we can take in shaping our mindset. Next time you see someone online showing off, ask yourself, “How does this affect me?” And when you realize it doesn’t, let it go and scroll past.
They say comparison is the thief of joy, but really, it’s the thief of self.