Right before sophomore year started, thousands of questions flooded my mind: Which classes should I take? Would my teachers be easy to talk to? How much harder would this year be than freshman year? I tried to figure it all out on my own, but in doing so, I realized the true missing piece – an older sibling to tell me what to expect. Now, as the first semester of my sophomore year comes to a close, I can’t help but wonder how much easier it would’ve been if I didn’t have to learn everything the hard way. Talking with my younger sibling at home every day, I envy they won’t face the same uncertainty I did my entire life. They have the benefit of using my years of experience as a personal guidebook on what to do or not to do.
Something called the “eldest child syndrome” illustrates how being the first-born child in a family can shape a person’s identity. According to Hina Sultan and Subha Malik, two researchers from Lahore College for Women University, eldest children tend to be high achievers and consider success important to excel in life. They typically strive towards leadership and become the upholder of family traditions, moral standards and responsibility to keep their parents happy.
The first-born child usually has more expectations placed on them by others because they are older. At family or friend gatherings, I notice that the older child tends to be more vocal and social with the other adults, with most of the questions directed towards them rather than the younger children. This makes sense because as you mature, your experience and knowledge become more relatable to adults.
Being the eldest child also means being the “test subject.” No one is perfect — even parents.
So as a first child, oldest children can be caught in between the trial and error process where parents figure out how to best raise their kids. Boundaries and rules are revised over and over again, especially as kids grow older and move onto the next stages of their life — puberty, then adulthood.
As teenagers experiment with their futures, parents want to clearly communicate their expectations to guide their children. Moreover, older siblings feel even more pressure to live up to their parents’ standards because they serve as strong role models for younger siblings. A study of 350 children aged five and six by Brigham Young University demonstrated how younger siblings tend to look up to their older siblings as role models.
They would try to mimic what they saw their older siblings doing because they wanted to be like them. Since siblings are closer in age than they are with their parents, younger siblings often have a close relationship with the older, placing the older child in a position of influence.
And eldest children can feel pressured — internally or by their parents — to become the perfect role model for their siblings, setting the standard for what is expected of all children in the family. A lot of times firstborns also help parents raise the younger child. Sometimes, an older sibling is the only person who can understand and teach the younger sibling in difficult situations. Parents may lack the experience, time or knowledge to fully understand the youngest, so they rely on the eldest, whose influence may be the only way the lesson will get through.
In extreme cases, the eldest child can feel the burden of acting as another parent, something that comes with a heavy load of responsibilities they may not be ready for. But the eldest child can also embrace this role because they feel a sense of responsibility and love towards their sibling. This is exactly the problem because though it is a generous act, the responsibility of parenting should not fall on the oldest sibling’s shoulders. When a child is forced to become a parent-like figure, it can hinder their personal development and lead to resentment towards their siblings and parents.
While being the first-born comes with many hardships, I couldn’t imagine how different I would be without growing up as the eldest child. I’m grateful for how being the first to try things and guide my siblings along the way has shaped my personality. Because of the experiences and struggles that come with being the eldest child, I am prepared and equipped with numerous leadership skills, ones that wouldn’t be as strong without overcoming this first-born adversity.
As relationships between siblings and parent-child undergo experimental phases, it’s imperative to recognize the difficulties each member faces. Our parents are living for the first time, just like us, and deserve to be cut some slack while they are trying to figure out how to best parent their children. Eldest siblings can feel pressured with many responsibilities and feel like they carry a heavy burden on their shoulders. But, at the end of the day, let this be a friendly reminder to always appreciate your older siblings, no matter how annoying they might seem.
