Disclaimer: None of these scenarios are based on real people or situations, nor am I a trained therapist. My advice for these purely fictional characters is not meant to be taken as a replacement for professional feedback.
See Me As I Am
Dear Christie,
My house has a singular guest room –– its paper thin walls lined with crooked, yellowed baby photos and the floral-print wallpaper my mother found on clearance at the dollar store. Every humid summer, we splash each other with plastic spray bottles filled with clinky ice cubes and water from the sink to cool off, as we get to work on dusting and decluttering the room in preparation. By the time our grandfather arrives in the passenger seat of our old Prius, cranky from his 13-hour plane ride from his native country, the closet is cleared and the bed sheets are crisp again. But no matter what I say to him, he will never understand me. English is the only language I speak fluently, coating my lips and making sense in my brain, yet it barely reaches his ears before my mother has to jump in with a messy translation into his native tongue. It pains me to watch our conversations hindered by such a simple barrier, and this summer, I don’t want to continue watching us fade away from each other. How do I get close to him when we can’t even have a conversation without a middle man?
From,
See Me As I Am
Hi SMAIA,
Yes, communication can often be the single most important thing when it comes to tethering yourself to a relationship, but familial connection goes beyond just the spoken words that slip through your teeth and intertwine in the air. I know it’s not realistic to learn your grandfather’s native language in the time before the summer, but try your best to immerse yourself into the culture. Watch television shows and videos with the English subtitles on, and even if you don’t understand a single word without them, let the intonations wash over you. When your mother exclaims a phrase in her native tongue once in a while, take the time to ask her what it means and try to repeat it to yourself –– then say it again ten more times. As for your grandfather, he will see you as you are, simply because you are part of his family, not because you earned or justified it. Don’t shy away from conversations with him out of shame for feeling like you can’t speak your thoughts fluidly. Bask in the vulnerability and the uncomfortability. Show your fondness and care for him through your actions when your words don’t feel like enough.
Christie
In Need of Spring Cleaning
Dear Christie,
As my time in high school comes to a close, it suddenly feels like life is moving too fast for me and keeping up with the pace is proving to be frightening at the very least –– especially as someone who refuses to get over anything that has ever happened to them. To me, birthdays cue the tears that roll down my cheeks as I squeeze my eyes shut to make a wish and blow out the candles on my cake, smoke rising with fears of what yet another year around the sun holds for me. To me, the act that I put on is a one-man show, depicting myself as someone who can’t wait to escape this town after graduation, when it isn’t really how I feel at all, because there’s a bigger part of me that wishes to live in my childhood bedroom forever. I still can’t get over the friendship breakup that changed the trajectory of my teenage social life, and I also can’t let go of my failed dream of playing volleyball in college after I realized I wouldn’t even be making the varsity team this year. With the empty weekends and after school hours that were once filled with practices and tournaments, this newfound time I have on my hands has forced me to come face to face with my overflowing cup, brimming with emotions. How can I stop feeling everything so deeply?
Best,
In Need of Spring Cleaning
Hey there INOSC,
You need to stop treating your grand life transitions as if they’re such threatening, saddening things. These are the very moments that you will end up missing when you’re all grown up in the corporate workforce or taking a gap year from college or traveling the world with just yourself and a backpack full of essentials –– unless you escape this little, homegrown bubble you have built for yourself. I know it can be intimidating to face the battles of your past and fully depart from their sometimes painful grasp, especially when it is easier to dwell and absorb and mull. But remember that while your body can reach infinite places, there is a finite space for the experiences that you choose to take in and treasure close to your heart. If you can’t let go of the times that have stopped serving you long ago, your appetite won’t ever be big enough to crave the gourmet dishes that are getting cold just waiting for you. Don’t let yourself breathe in the toxic, self-restricting fumes of this mindset that is trying its best to trap you in a box –– one smaller than the size you’ll be if you take in the growth you can contribute to with your future potential.
Christie
I Love the Idea of You
Dear Christie,
I feel an increasing sense of blindness when it comes to the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. Is it even possible to simultaneously feel fulfillment, purpose and a sense of accomplishment as a teenager or is that only a myth that is told over and over to all the lost and disoriented students? I can no longer tell if I find meaning in my days or just moving through the motions because I am validating my need to have the high school experience –– like finding a partner because I want to say I felt teenage romance or showing up to the sweaty football games where we lose every time just to chant with the crowds. How do I find a purpose in my everyday life and start enjoying it, instead of just the idea of it?
Sincerely,
I Love the Idea of You
To ILTIOY,
It’s OK to yearn for the classic high school experience and seek out the activities or events that allow you to undergo it. As they say, we regret the things we don’t do more than the things we actually do. Mind your step, though –– there is a fine line between falling in love with what you think is the right thing to do for people your age and actually coming face to face with what grounds you to reality. Make peace with the thought that you’ll only be able to find your true passions when you continuously step up and try everything, instead of sitting around and wishing you could take the first leap. It sounds like you just need someone to confirm that you’re on the right track, even if it can get confusing or lonesome at times. Learn how to skateboard or rock climb or crochet or volunteer at the animal shelter. Seek out the closest hidden hiking trails or apply for a job at the local creamery. Find a nearby concert venue and search up the next show for an artist you want to see live, then go sing your heart out with the crowd. Lean into the unknown, even if you’re treading carefully through the tunnel, and you will gradually find yourself shielding your squinting eyes from the light at the very end.
Christie
I Started the War
Dear Christie,
I shut the door on my younger sister for the first time when she had just come home from the hospital, red all over with an angry cry and flailing arms. With the passing time, I’ve found it difficult to express my love to her as the oldest sibling, and I assure you it’s not because of the attention I failed to receive in my own years as a child or the fact that I’m jealous of how much easier my parents are on her than they were on me. I just can’t seem to be affectionate toward her, and now that I’m moving across the country to pursue my dreams in college, the guilt of abandonment is weighing me down. Even with her recent trip through puberty, her aggression and disrespect toward me can only be my own fault since I pushed her away first, right?
Yours truly,
I Started the War
For ISTW,
Sibling guilt, especially as the oldest child in the family, is real and undervalued for all the silent pains it plants on the third, pseudo-parent of the household. It’s not your job to parent your younger sister, and it’s also not your responsibility to hold her accountable for her recent dip in behaviors. You are supposed to grow up together as kids, not grow into this dynamic of ideal role model and aimless follower –– but that’s not to say that you shouldn’t set a great example for her. You should do your best to provide the most positive influence you can on someone who I know secretly looks up to your every move and wishes she could be just like you in the future. But don’t shoulder the burden of leaving her behind when you’re only going off to establish your own future and find ways to grow outside of the household dynamics you have grown up in. There is a healthy balance between choosing to prioritize yourself and finding other ways to show your love, so ask about her friends and her classes and her emotions and her dreams. It’s never too late to rekindle your bond, even if you are moving far away because there is no final deadline or expiration date to find your way back to each other.
Christie
