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The Campanile

Oh Crap!

An epidemic that has long plagued Paly’s campus has gone overlooked for too long. This school must soon confront its greatest flaw so that students can finally live in peace. No, this flaw is not the amount of homework, nor is it students’ stress levels. In fact, it can be found in our notorious bathrooms. Enter any stall and you will find the problem hanging on the wall. Simply put, Paly needs to change its toilet paper supply from one-ply to two-ply.

Changing to two-ply bathroom tissue would make a student’s public bathroom experience less like a horror film. Many students have long “held it in” while at school because of the stigma associated with sometimes gross and hazardous public bathrooms. Furthermore, these restrooms fail to provide adequate accessories necessary to do our business.

One-ply toilet paper is also referred to as “John Wayne toilet paper” since “it’s rough and it’s tough and don’t take s*** off no one.” Going to the bathroom can be a pleasant experience, but Paly has ruined this by not having comfortable bathroom tissue.

Without double-ply toilet paper, students fear “dropping the kids off at the lake” or “taking the Browns to the Super Bowl.” The use of double-ply toilet paper is often associated with the cute and cuddly bear from the Charmin commercials. On the contrary, the use of single-ply toilet paper to decontaminate one’s behind is equivalent to journeying to hell and back.

Going to take a number two is one of the most personal acts one can experience, but this daily ritual is ruined when one realizes they must use low-grade, painful material to clean up.

To those who argue changing to double-ply toilet paper will leave a bigger carbon footprint because of the extra material needed to produce it, I pose to you a counterargument. With today’s bathroom tissue status quo, many use double the amount of single-ply toilet paper just so they can suffice their wiping needs and to replicate the experience of using the angelic double-ply. So yes, it may cost more, but doubling up on single-ply is just the same.

In August 2012, the University of Kansas changed its bathroom policy from one-ply to two-ply toilet paper. It had provided higher quality bathroom tissue a decade earlier, but students had begun to steal it to bring back to their dorms. You see, we wouldn’t have that problem (or at least, I would hope not) so this change is in fact feasible.

Changing to two-ply toilet paper is something the Paly administration and janitorial staff must consider. I’m not asking for three-ply. I’m just asking for an easy improvement to student bathroom comfort.
Next time you take a dump at home, don’t take the soft, soothing toilet paper you have for granted. Once you come to school, it’s all over.

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