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Column: How to dress well


Paly’s student body is made up of a large variety of people, many of whom lack a real sense of fashion and dress quite repulsively. How will these people solve their issue? Don’t worry, I’m here help.

[divider]The ‘I’m So Unique’ Look[/divider]

If you’re looking to be unique, the best place to shop is definitely Brandy Melville, and maybe even Urban Outfitters if you’re feeling adventurous. These stores can guarantee you won’t match anyone else in the school. By wearing clothing from these stores, you gain the ability to brag about how unique you are and how you don’t “just go with the wave.” You must also acquire a pair of Nike Air Force 1s, or, if you’re uber unique, go for those awkward clunky Filas. If you’re really feeling special, complex patterns like checkers and stripes will make you look out-of-this-world. On lazy days, pick between either sweats or Lululemons with a hoodie, but never forget  to let people know how comfortable you are. Remember, no one will notice how well you dress unless you constantly remind them of it.

[divider]The ‘I Know Nothing About Streetwear But  Act Like I Do’ Look[/divider]

If you’re interested in looking like a genuine, non-clout-chasing individual, this is the style for you. The easiest way to master this fuego look is to wear brands you have no clue about. The go-to brand you will always revert to is Supreme. When purchasing Supreme, avoid the tasteful items. Instead, go for horridly large and attention grabbing logos so that people will recognize you as a Supreme god. You also have to act colorblind; just wear all the brightest colors that don’t match. I guarantee that the colors and large logos will get you more attention — not necessarily good attention, but attention nevertheless.

After all of this, you have to take a picture of your fit for your Instagram. Remember to hold your hand over your face and use a Drake or Travis Scott lyric as your caption to prove that you are “for the culture” and flex your drip.

The only other brand you’re allowed to talk about is Off-White. Talk about how Virgil Abloh, the head designer and creator of Off-White, is a creative genius, even if you have no idea what he’s done other than put diagonal lines and quotation marks around everything on his products.

Lastly, you can’t make a rookie mistake and forget about the footwear. Either go for a pair of Adidas Ultra Boost or the McDonald’s wrapper yellow Yeezys because your parents won’t give you the money for a good colorway.

[divider]The ‘I’m a Thrifter’ Look[/divider]

Thrift is life. In order to dress like this, you have to take trips to San Francisco every weekend to go to the real thrifts and carry an aura of superiority. Keep your eyes out for improperly fitted jeans, corduroy and really washed out crewnecks. If you choose this style, anytime someone brings up a mall or regular stores, you have to scoff in disgust and state how you strictly thrift. Constantly brag about how cheap your clothes are. You also have to keep the chronic thrift store smell on the clothing to emphasize how absolutely thrift you are.

[divider]The Rest[/divider]

There’s too many different dresser to each get their own sections, so the rest of these are easier to pull off. If you view yourself as a gym rat, purchase yourself some Gymshark or some other brands that makes it obvious you grind. These brands will make you look like an absolute unit even though you’re disgustingly scrawny. This next one is more for you underclassman: just wear the basic trefoil adidas hoodie and your light washed jeans. People will notice your originality.


You’re welcome: your complete lack of fashion is now mostly fixed. You can know talk down to others because of your fashion superiority. Also, you can now walk around with unearned confidence you never should have had.

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  • Y

    YsaMar 8, 2019 at 12:01 pm

    This is hilariously accurate. Big fan