The “Nice Guys Finish Last” Column

Disclaimer: Please read to the last paragraph before forming any opinions.


The following is a lesser-known portion of “Law Codes of Masculine Men,” known colloquially as the “how to get a chick without asking her how she feels” section of the “bro code.”


Volume XCVII. Relationships

Section V. Instances when men in good standing fail to succeed

We, the framers of “Law Codes of Masculine Men,” deem it necessary to lay out the reasoning as to why men in good standing often fail to succeed in interpersonal relationships. In order to explain why “nice guys finish last,” we will lay out the framework for how to finish first: 


Article I. Do not ask a female about her emotions.

Corollary : If this occurs, you will be delving into an unnecessary realm, as you have no reason to show any interest in caring for this female’s emotions. Reply to any emotional statement quickly with “Yeah, I feel you.” Proper questions to be asked include questions to the nature of, “What are you doing later tonight?” or “Want to hear about my fantasy football team?”


Article II. Never ask a female where you and her stand.

Corollary: As far as you are concerned, she wants every part of you and is waiting for when she can get you to herself. Females have always, and will always, be in constant

need for males’ sexual desires.


Article III. Never delve into your own personal issues while in the presence of a female.

Corollary : This one is fairly easy, as males have few personal issues that ever need attention: they are emotionless creatures who bear the sole purpose of showing superiority to women.


Article IV. Partake in risky activities while in the presence of a female so as to exhibit masculinity.

Corollary : The male gender in his natural habitat is quite a vicious beast. Observe his displays of affection in the art of risk-taking. Males earn extra points if the risk-taking is of the illegal nature.


Article V. Assume any communication initiated by a female as a sign for initiating sexual prowess.

Corollary : There is no rarer of an occurrence than that of a female initiating contact with a male. If you are honored with this occurrence, pounce upon it like a lion with carnal desires.


Although these examples are exaggerated, it seems as though this is the direction the time-old practice of courtship is heading in. Will bawdiness reign supreme? Are the values of patience and respect deteriorating? I encourage you to define for yourself, whether you are male or female, how you expect to treat others and be treated yourself.

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