How to fake being composed


“Fake it ‘til you make it.” This saying has been passed down from generation to generation and has even earned itself its own Wikipedia page, most likely because it works so well! Not a single person became a big-shot without first pretending like they were already successful. It is common knowledge that success comes without hardship, so you should make all attempts necessary in order to conceal your stress. As a long-time suppressor of emotions and frivolous struggles, I assure you that I am an expert in pretending to have my life together, when in actuality, it is more often than not in shambles.

“How are you?”

The only appropriate answers to this question are: “I’m fine,” “I’m good” or a variation thereof. To take it a step further and truly convince others that you are fine, respond with a flashing smile and a prompt, “how are you?” This way, the conversation will be diverted to someone else. Even if this question is asked sincerely, do not give in to your desire to pour out your frustrations; you must keep all negative emotions bottled up inside. Instead, the correct response to this genuine inquiry is to persist that you are doing well until the questioner uncomfortably changes the subject.

Never say no to anything

If someone asks you for a favor, make sure to always comply. Turning down extra work suggests that you are not in tip-top condition, and you should always be in tip-top condition. You must avoid the assumption that you are overworked at all costs — showing weakness is akin to throwing away your entire reputation you have worked so hard to construct. If the favor is being asked over text, make sure to respond with a “no worries” followed by a smiley face; this response will ensure the recipient that you are, in fact, not even the slightest bit inconvenienced by their request.

Dress for success

In order to portray someone who has their life together, you must not only act the part, but also look the part. Clothes that give the illusion of a successful life include button-up shirts, blazers and wildly expensive designer brands. Avoid wearing the same outfit twice in one season, as this may be translated into a sign of laziness or giving up. Instead, make sure to have enough unique outfits to last at least one month. People will look at you and say, “wow, someone who dresses like that must really have his or her life together.”

Polymath or nothing

You must excel in all aspects of your life in order to convince others that you are truly doing well. Instead of prioritizing the one thing that you are passionate about, make sure to put in huge amounts of effort into everything that you do so that you can be successful at all of them. Who says that great achievements take sacrifice? I believe that you can accomplish all of your goals without having to give up anything. This way, when people see that you are multifaceted, they will readily agree that you have your life together. Sure you may have lost a few hours of sleep, but it’s all in the name of adding achievements to your LinkedIn profile. Speaking of which, get a LinkedIn profile.

But really, these tips were all just jokes. In fact, I am actually a relatively put-together person, so no worries, I’m fine 🙂 How are you?

These tips are dramatizations. The column writer encourages prioritizing happiness and mental health.