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What Your Philz Order Says About You


Let’s be honest, life is exhausting.  In order to remedy the exhaustion, many people turn to the laid-back coffee chain, Philz Coffee. Not only do people come to Philz for the delicious coffee, but also for the great Instagram photos. Whether you order a small or an extra large, get coffee or tea or ask for “sweet and creamy,” what seems like a simple order really speaks multitudes in terms of who you are as a person. If you are reading this and are wondering what your Philz order says about you, let me help you out.

Mint Mojito Iced Coffee

If you order a Mint Mojito, it is most likely your first time at Philz. You have probably never had actual coffee before or think that coffee is too bitter. But you still want to be able to say that you drink Philz coffee for that hipster aesthetic, and to be able to call yourself a true Palo Altan. (Extra “basic” points if you order your Mint Mojito extra sweet and extra creamy because that entails that you truly are only here for the Instagram likes. That’s probably the main reason you go anywhere, really.).

Jamaican Blue Mountain

Consistently ordering Jamaican Blue Mountain means that, first of all, money is clearly not an issue for you because this is the most expensive drink on the menu, priced at $10 for a large, instead of the usual $4.50. Either you have a well-paying job, or your parents are willing to buy you anything you want, no matter how frivolous it may seem. In any case, you are probably very sophisticated and professional, and have your life together, or at least you have the money to make it seem like you do. You most likely run into Philz quickly with your high heels and pencil skirt, acting as if you work at a fancy, high-paying job.

Black Coffee

In order to seem like a true Philz enthusiast, you have to order black coffee, the opposite of a Mint Mojito, to prove that you are only here for the right reasons (the coffee). Although it does not matter which brew you order, a light roast will make you appear even more dedicated because it is an even stronger brew. This order is generally given by someone who will be the epitome of hipster in the future, and who will probably end up sporting a beard or a man bun, and is most definitely a massive know-it-all. Anyone who orders black coffee will make sure to order it loudly, so that everyone else at Philz can hear their intense order and know that they have a real love of coffee.

Ambrosia and Tesora

These two coffees are both medium roasts, and are a couple of the most commonly ordered drinks at Philz. If you are ordering this brew, you are, in all likelihood, a Philz regular. You started out with this drink because it was what your friend ordered the first time you tagged along to Philz, and you have since been too afraid to branch out and try something different. You are not very original, but at least you keep a consistent schedule with time everyday allotted for your Philz fix.

Tea and Hot Chocolate

If you walk into Philz and order a tea or hot chocolate, take a step back and rethink your life choices. The chain is called Philz Coffee for a reason, so if you want tea or hot chocolate, please go somewhere else. Don’t worry, there is probably a Starbucks a couple of blocks away.

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  • K

    KayMar 17, 2019 at 11:18 pm

    This is such a classically elitist and naive perspective on the world— Judging people for their choice of beverage when it’s iced coffee or tea, for goodness sake?

    This article would have been nice had it been lighthearted and funny, but it’s just snobby. Yuck.